Between2planets

Ten things to do in Tescos.

1.  Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when     

     they aren't looking.

2.  Set all the alarm clocks in house wares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3.  Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4.  When a minion asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why

     can't you people just leave me alone?"

5.  While queueing at the drugs counter ask tearfully if anyone knows

     where the poisons are.

6.  Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme    

     from "Mission Impossible."

7.  In the hardware department, practice your Madonna look using

     different size funnels

8.  Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say, "PICK

     ME! PICK ME!"

9.  When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the

     foetal position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again."      

10. Go into a fitting room and yell loudly, "Hey! We're out of toilet paper

      in here!"

Personally I hate bloody Tescos so the more trouble everyone can be to them the better and the happier I shall be.

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when the wife is pregnant,
Tension is when the girlfriend is pregnant,
Panic is when both are pregnant at the same time.

A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Please send me a brother"
Santa wrote back, "PLEASE SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and the Mattress.

Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.

A women asks man who is travelling with six children "Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints"

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential!"

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, champagne in one hand, strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!

When one door closes, another opens.

But we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.

It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

Suicide Hotline...Please hold.

Never argue with an idiot... they always drag you down to their own level.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

1.     I'll get a world record for this.

2.     Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.

3.     It's fireproof.

4.     He's probably just hibernating.

5.     I'm making a citizen's arrest.

6.     So, you're a cannibal.

7.     It's probably just a rash.

8.     Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?

9.     The odds of that happening have to be a million-to-one!

10. Pull the pin and count to what?

11. Which wire was I supposed to cut?

12. I wonder where the mother bear is.

13. I've seen this done on TV.

14. These are the good kind of mushrooms.

15. I'll hold it and you light the fuse.

16. Funny, you look just like Charles Manson.

17. Rat poison only kills rats.

18. It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.

19. This doesn't taste right.

20. I can make this light before it changes.

21. Nice doggie.

22. I can do that with my eyes closed.

23. Well, we've made it this far.

24. That's odd.............

25. Don't be so superstitious!

26. That doesn't look like any kind of UFO I've ever seen.

27. Is this the way to Amarillo?

28. I understand lions often do that.

29. Friday the what?

30. The power has been turned off at the main.

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Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

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