What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when the wife is pregnant,
Tension is when the girlfriend is pregnant,
Panic is when both are pregnant at the same time.

A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Please send me a brother"
Santa wrote back, "PLEASE SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and the Mattress.

Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.

A women asks man who is travelling with six children "Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints"

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential!"

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, champagne in one hand, strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!

When one door closes, another opens.

But we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.

It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

Suicide Hotline...Please hold.

Never argue with an idiot... they always drag you down to their own level.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

1.     I'll get a world record for this.

2.     Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.

3.     It's fireproof.

4.     He's probably just hibernating.

5.     I'm making a citizen's arrest.

6.     So, you're a cannibal.

7.     It's probably just a rash.

8.     Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?

9.     The odds of that happening have to be a million-to-one!

10. Pull the pin and count to what?

11. Which wire was I supposed to cut?

12. I wonder where the mother bear is.

13. I've seen this done on TV.

14. These are the good kind of mushrooms.

15. I'll hold it and you light the fuse.

16. Funny, you look just like Charles Manson.

17. Rat poison only kills rats.

18. It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.

19. This doesn't taste right.

20. I can make this light before it changes.

21. Nice doggie.

22. I can do that with my eyes closed.

23. Well, we've made it this far.

24. That's odd.............

25. Don't be so superstitious!

26. That doesn't look like any kind of UFO I've ever seen.

27. Is this the way to Amarillo?

28. I understand lions often do that.

29. Friday the what?

30. The power has been turned off at the main.

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